Such is Life

October 19, 2012

After a week in the Philippines, I came back to finally celebrate my birthday. I didn’t want to celebrate the day of my birthday in the Philippines because it just seemed very selfish of me while everyone else was mourning over the loss of my grandmother. So when I came back, I decided to have a small dinner with my friends and they surprised me with a Justin Bieber themed mini party. And of course, I also got an “Aaron” cake, which I find so hilarious.

My friends are amazing.

Despite everything that has happened in the past two weeks, I’m still thankful for life and I can’t ask for anything better.

October 7-18, 2012

It’s been a sad, yet very uplifting week for me.

My family and I went to the Philippines unplanned to attend my grandmother’s funeral. It was a week full of funeral rituals. In the province, there are a lot of these funeral rituals that you must abide by. It was my first time experiencing something like this and it totally changed my whole perspective in seeing life. I also had weird experiences during my stay there where I had trouble sleeping and when I did, I knew that I was awake and that when I tried to wake myself up, I wasn’t able to. It happened to me a couple of times, and I believe, the first time, my grandmother woke me up. I felt something pulled me and I woke up and got up. The second time, my mom told me to just tell yourself “Please God, help me” if you can’t wake yourself up, and somehow, it always works. So that’s what I did and it worked. I don’t know, but this whole experience definitely changed me. People there lived simply and it was so touching to see how so many people attended my grandmother’s funeral on her last day. After the 7th, day, we went to this river to throw away our old clothes, something they call “gulgul”. It was very different, yet the feeling of finally letting go of my grandmother was there. I’ve learned to accept that she’s no longer with us, and I believe she’s somewhere in a better place now. I also realized that it’s not so sad when you have a whole family and relatives behind you, crying with you, hugging you. It’s not so depressing when you’re not the only one crying. I was able to spend time with my cousins (all of us came home) and meet relatives I haven’t met before. It’s a different kind of experience, something I would definitely remember for the rest of my life.

The only thing that disappointed me with this trip is the hospital asking for more “professional fees” after the death of my grandmother. It saddens me that after my grandmother has already passed away, the hospital still has the audacity to ask for fees when my family had asked in advance for all the fees. They didn’t even know about the hidden fees the hospitals had. It’s disappointing what people  woulddo for money.

Anyways, after a week in the province, we stayed at Novaliches and there, you could see a whole different lifestyle compare to the province. It’s more fast-paced. Personally, I like the slow, simple life in the province. I feel like I get to appreciate life more living there. In the city, it’s so different. And the large gap between the poor and the rich is so evident. We stayed with my aunt who owns a College in the Philippines and you see how the lifestyle is so different. She has a very big house with drivers, housemaids, while back in the province, my lola lived simply. Everything is just so different.

And now that I’m back, I kind of missed living back in the province where life is so minimal. Everything was just simple. 

October 7, 2012

The start of my day had been so depressing.

Woke up at 5:30 a.m to the sound of my dad crying. He was bawling and going crazy, I have never seen him that vulnerable in my life. My mom and I just rushed to him and tried to comfort him.

It’s been so hard for all of us to accept what happened, especially knowing that my grandmother was completely healthy just a week ago. She was happy and healthy and perfect. 

But today, I realize that I don’t want to be angry anymore and blame people for this. It gets even harder when I think about it, so I’m not going to be sad about my grandma’s passing. I’m sure she wants us all to be happy that she’s in a better place now.

My flight to the Philippines is tomorrow. I’m coming home to celebrate my grandma’s life. 

October 5, 2012

I feel like the only way to let it all out is to write it.

Last time, I couldn’t sleep and for no reason, I was crying. I had this feeling inside me and it just wouldn’t go away. Today, while I was sitting in class, I found out my grandmother passed away.

I honestly had no words and I just felt like my whole world fell apart.

My grandmother was such an inspiration to me. She grew up with very little, worked hard to raise three children. When she lost my uncle and got really sick, almost to the point of dying. But she was a strong woman and she lived for her children for as long as she could. And when she was finally well-off, she was known for being the most generous woman in town. She would always help the ones who are in need without getting anything in return. She was amazing. And to know that she is gone, just breaks my heart.

And I keep asking myself, “Why is God so good at taking away the ones we love? How can he be so cruel?” I know I’m selfish for thinking this way, but at times like this, it’s so hard not to scream and ask why? I wanted to visit the Philippines again next year so I could spend more time with her like I did this summer. But God didn’t even give me that chance. And worst of all, He didn’t even give me a chance to see her one last time and say goodbye. 

I was crying and I’m still crying, but I am also very angry. This news came very sudden and I never expected it to happen because she was healthy and strong. The last time I saw her, she was eating more than me, she was able to go to the supermarket. She didn’t even need me to hold her hand and help her walk because she was so strong and could walk on her own. She was 87, and perfect.

The thing is, five days ago, my grandmother was fine. She had a fever, it wasn’t serious. Then when she got to the hospital, a private, high-end health care facility, she just got worse. I don’t understand how this system operates and how doctors just shove medicines into people’s mouths just so they could get more money out of people’s pockets. What I do know is that my grandmother was able to walk and talk prior to going to that hospital. And 2 days later, she’s in critical condition. Tell me, how is this possible? I’m angry. I blame the corrupt, greedy money-driven health care system in the Philippines. These doctors and so called professionals would do anything just to get more - by giving out more medicine, by sending them to ICUs, putting tubes in their mouths, making you even more sick than you already are - until you’re dead. 

And at this point in my life, I’m not going to just sit here and watch things happen. I’m tired of seeing my own country like this. I’m tired of having to see children on the streets, begging for money. I’m tired of hearing stories about sudden deaths in the hospitals. I’m just so sick and tired of it. I’m tired of watching people suffer because of other people’s selfishness and greed.

October 5, 2012

I can’t sleep. 

Still thinking about my grandma.

I’m just so sad today.

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October 4, 2012

One thing people need to know about me: it’s not that hard to make me cry.

Tonight, when I overheard my dad talking to my grandpa on the phone, I already felt like crying. A couple of days ago, my grandma was sick but tonight, when my dad talked to my grandpa, it’s gotten more severe. We all thought, “oh, she’s sick. In a couple of days, she’ll feel better.” But now everyone’s thinking what we really don’t want to think.

It’s so beautiful to see people grow old, but the worst part is having to realize, that each day they get older is another day closer to losing them. I really don’t want to lose my grandma, especially when my birthday is coming up.

I don’t want bad memories to be attached to my birthday and I don’t want to feel sad every year. And I just really want her to get better. Because even though she’s 87, she’s been really healthy and strong. When we saw her this summer, she was perfect. I was convinced that the next time we visit again, that she’d be there. She’d be there to pick us up at the airport and hug me. Thinking back, when she told me that she hopes the next time I visit, she’d still be there, it just saddens me. And all I can do is cry about it.

I don’t want to be selfish but it just hurts to see someone you love go. And I’m really scared that I’m not going to see her again. Even though I spent a good two and a half weeks with her this summer, I feel like it’s not enough to make up for all the years that I haven’t seen her. I’m just hoping that she gets better so I can see her again.

October 3, 2012

9 days until my birthday! I don’t know whether to be sad or happy because I’m getting so old!

Anyways, today is actually blog worthy because my day is pretty interesting. This morning, I woke up and got ready for class and then next thing you know, my car wouldn’t start! So I text messaged some people in my class to let them know I was unable to attend. I also missed volunteer today. I swear I wasn’t lying! I’m really scared the volunteer coordinator is going to think I’m lying and just didn’t want to attend. Today was supposed to be the first day of volunteer since summer ended and now she’s going to think that I intentionally wanted to miss it. I’m so sad. Anyways, back to my story…

So my car wouldn’t start and it sucked so I had to missed class because if I were to take the bus, I’m going to have wait another 20 minutes and there’s really no point in coming anymore. So I messaged Aaron and told him my car wouldn’t stop running and I had to start the car while he was on the phone and yeah. Blah, blah, I told him there was no use in going to school since I’m going to miss half an hour of class. And I told him that since I was already up, I could help him with his assignment. 

Honestly, one thing you should know about me: when it comes to Sociology, I get really deep into the topic especially when I find it interesting! And his assignment was about writing a critical reflection about Richard Florida! And I love this topic and I really like his ideas (not necessarily mean I agree with him though). So I think I helped him a lot with this assignment. Honestly, I really wanted to be a T.A for Sociology. Man, that would’ve the best job ever! Anyways, I think I was way into the topic and I couldn’t stop yapping about it. After that, Aaron drove to class and I went to study in the library for a bit and I was very productive I think. I read a lot of class materials and prepared myself for midterms in two weeks so I think I’m good! The only thing I have to worry about right now is my stupid IR paper that’s due next week (which I have no clue what it’s about)! I only hope that tomorrow, I figure everything out because I’m so confused about this paper! So yeah, after Aaron’s class, we walked back to Homestead to go to Pat’s and I ran into my ex-boyfriend’s friend while I was walking hand in hand with Aaron. Aaron looked at me funny. It was a bit awkward too. So when we got to Pat’s, a couple of his friends were over and this guy named Vladimir (he’s Russian) kept talking about going to a Polish market and buying salami and “diarrhea cheese”. And we got all hungry so we headed to Orange Restaurant (I don’t think it’s actually called Orange Restaurant. We just call it Orange because it’s painted orange inside). It’s one of the best Korean restaurants in Mississauga and I highly recommend it. And then we got some ice cream because Pat was still hungry and I had a Magnum white chocolate. Meh, it was okay. I don’t understand why some people would buy that thing for 5 dollars though. What a waste of money. Then we went back to Pat’s. Justin came over and we were just hanging out and kind of passing out at the same time because we ate too much yet again. And Pat started playing his guitar and Aaron started vocalizing. These kids are so silly. I continued studying and they just couldn’t understand why I would study 2 weeks before midterms. Now that I think about it, I don’t understand either…

October 1, 2012

I guess it’s still October 1st.

Today was really tiring for some reason. I woke up very early because Aaron came over to see me before class. Then I got ready, went to class and I swear, I was falling asleep halfway through. I was so tired. After class, I went to pick up my package at the Post Office and I tried all the clothes on like a little girl that I am. I had a little fashion show in my room. They’re actually pretty cute. Don’t ask me why I bought school girl outfits. Maybe because I’m back in school? But they’re cute. I feel like Cher from Clueless. All the clothes that I bought are so girly. I think I’m just going to create my own Halloween costume from these and make it look like a costume. I feel like all my clothes are so extra, they can be made into costumes. Then after, my brother and I picked up my mom from work and we dropped by the optometrist to pick up my contact lenses. I’m so happy I finally got them! And I have the HD lenses for astigmatism. That’s pretty much it. After all that, I tried studying but I fell asleep and I woke up around 9. I’m studying now but I’m still a little bit sleepy. And I have work tomorrow so maybe I should go to sleep early.

I think I’m going to have trouble going back to sleep though.

October 1, 2012

My first entry for October 2012.

And I’m going to start with my weekend. I worked all weekend because I’m kind of broke and I know I’m not going to be working in the next two weeks because I have that stupid midterm week so I needed to work and make money. Anyway, I’ve been so tired all weekend and today I took a nap before work so now I’m wide awake and probably won’t be able to sleep until who knows when.

I don’t really know what to talk about. Nothing interesting happened this weekend except maybe a couple of emotional breakdowns. I swear, I’m almost always either a 2 or a 10 on emotional scale. And I’m always crying. Well, I don’t know but when Saturday night came around and I was talking to Aaron on the phone, I started crying on the phone for no reason. Oh my gosh, don’t ask why. I think it was something stupid. I was probably freaking out again about his bad habits (smoking, etc, etc.) and thinking about him having cancer (Oh my gosh, I’m serious though. This is embarrassing). I’ve been very pushy lately about making him quit smoking because it’s really not that great for your health (obviously). But he won’t listen and I think I spent the whole time talking about making him quit and I started crying. But then I realize what my professor told me: You should never try to change a guy. So I’m going to stop making him do things especially when he isn’t ready for change because it’s probably not going to help. If he really wants to change, he will. I want him to change for himself, not for me.

Anyways, after that dramatic conversation, everything was fine again. I think lately I’ve been very emotional about everything and I really need to control my emotions. I’m acting like Kristen Bell and her sloth meltdown…

September 29, 2012

It’s Friday. The only day I actually get to enjoy the day. I was really looking forward to spending this day, just relaxing. But now I’m sad that it’s over.

This morning, I woke up and Aaron sent me a picture and it was really cute. It made my day. It was a quote that said “You don’t have to be rich to be my girl. You don’t have to be cool to rule my world. Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with. I just want your extra time and your kiss.” I was so happy the whole day. After school, Aaron picked me up and we went to watch a movie. But then we were late for the movie so we had to walk around Square One like mall rats. It was fun nevertheless since I hardly walk around the mall/window shop. Then we watched the movie. End of Watch is actually a pretty good movie. I had the waterworks at the end of the movie. It’s so embarrassing how I couldn’t stop crying and my boyfriend was all staring at me, smiling. After the movie, we went to go see Pat because it’s Korean Thanksgiving. We just hung out until Kelvin and Dan came. Lately, I’ve been hanging out with a lot of his friends and it’s pretty cool. I really like all of them and I’m really happy that Aaron found really good friends to count on. Obviously, I was surrounded by smokers so I was very worried about coming home and my mom would smell smoke all over me. When I came home, she didn’t say anything. In fact, they didn’t even bother to call me to check up on me. I think my parents adore Aaron and they trust us enough to let us go on dates together. And I guess today, I thought about how happy I am and how good this relationship is turning out to be. I mean, we’ve been friends for so long and I guess that’s why this relationship works because we already know a lot about each other (the good and the bad) and we’re willing to compromise to make the relationship work. Plus, he’s like my best friend, my very first friend in university so he really means a lot to me. But then I also got to thinking that if something should happen between us, I think we’ll still remain friends. I don’t know. It’s kind of hard to picture him out of my life since he’s been in my life for four years now. Anyways, I’m just really happy right now. Happy that I can relax (until my midterm week).

Oh golly gee, I don’t really want to think about it. In two weeks, I have a midterm week for five consecutive days. On top of that, I’m volunteering again every Wednesdays so my schedule is even busier. I’m trying to avoid stressing out, but it’s hard not to!